Bismillah

It seems strange sometimes. My state of being, my state of mind. How do you choose your path and stay on it until the end of your ride? Confused I fell sometimes. Not about my deen, but about myself. Who am I? Why am I here? Such questions are asked in general about life, but for that question I have the answer when asked about this life. we are to Worship Allah, Praise Him, do as we are told by Him. But my question which I neglect to believe I have, flows deeper… much deeper… In this unseen world, and this earth and space, the vastness of Allah’s creations. The stories of the universe and all the galaxies, where do I fit in? Oh this question sounds so selfish, so one sided and shallow. A yearning that calls each and every one of us to tell us our place in this unseen sight of our lives whether we choose to listen or not. In what way am I to Praise Him? I am stuck in this world as I am seen. And I turn the pages of my books wondering what will happen next. I want to praise Him in a way that no one else has or can. I want Him to see me and me proud of me… I yearn to please Him like the Prophet… like Ahlul bayt. Like all the saints and friends of Allah I want to be up with them. I want my family to set among them and have tea and speak of the love that pours down from Allah upon us. I want to feel Him I want to love Him but most of all I want Him to love me. Not because He created me, not because I am Muslim and that I try in His way, but because I have something that no one else does and that I use that gift, that Neima that He gave me and use it to turn others to Him. Not simply for good, not simply to make others Muslim, but to bring that light, that empowering love that burns inside me to others for the ONE GOD.For Allah……

Oh, but it goes away… It leaves me and I stand wondering why and how it left me. That feeling, that love that yearning for Him. Not just for Him but to please Him, to please Him in a way that no one else can. Why does it leave me… And I fall to be ordinary and shallow. I fall to be won over by this world and this life and the small glitters that I see. Oh my dear Prophet Allah choose you over others. Allah guided you, why? Because of your love of Him? Because of your love for others? Your compassion? Because of your heart? Your shyness? Because of you righteousness? Because of you actions and you words? How do I become like you? How do I teach my children to become like you? How do I praise Him? How do I always remember Him? Not simply on occasion, not when things are going wrong, not when I am happy, not when my world is in a state of misunderstanding to me, but all of my life? Teach me Ya Allah, so that I may learn how to be like those you love, like those who love you, teach me teach my husband and family and friends to be like those you love, and who love you not for you rewards but for your love, because you are so lovable. So special and unique… So Great…

Teach me to listen and act upon you teachings…………
This is my place.

Imagine you had a daughter or son that you raised Muslim in every way you new how to. When this child grew older the line of communication became different and distant. As this young adult grew into an adult and moves from your home, you find out this new mature sane adult is acting in ways contradictory to Islam. As a mother you feel that you must try and help your child and as a Muslima you are obligated to enjoin the right and forbid what is wrong. You do so to the best of your ability in a way that would not push your child from your embrace but bring him to the right. After some time of subtly preaching to your child you find that the two of you are growing even more distant because of your effort to keep your child in the deen. As you see it, she is moving slowing and speeding quickly to the wrong.

As a mother, what do you do when you find and understand that your child is doing what he wants no matter what is right, how do you continue your relationship? What would you do after all your efforts are ending in vain.

Also, your child does what he wants to do but he still shows love to you and listens to your cares and respects them. Honors you, and loves to be around you in many ways. The only place that he/she differers and is wrong in is some major matters of deen.

Explain how you believe you would hold your relationship with your child after this point.

Bismillah

Before and a while after I graduated from high school I use to wear my scarf in different styles mostly in the back in a bun styled with straight pins to have the exact look I wanted. Why did I do this.. to look good of course. Is this the correct answer? doesn’t really matter, it is the truth. I called myself trying to be a better muslima but didn’t think of that when styling my scarf in the morning before going to work or school. I thought it was cute and that’s the way I wanted to look.

A while later after my graduation and my marriage I read that the proper way to wear the scarf is covering your ears and neck. I’ve heard that before but never paid any attention to it because of my own wants. And that wasn’t how I wanted to look. Not THAT modest, and it wasn’t as cute as was the style up in a bun which I liked a lot. I started wearing my scarf that way in the middle of my eleventh grade year, I wanted to start being a better muslima and one of the ways I started was coving my hair, and this is the way I did so. I stopped wearing a scarf the start of my eighth grade year i think.

So at the time that I read what I read about my hijab I was on road of trying to please Allah, not just being a better muslima as I have always said, but I was setting out to be a BELIEVER. Not just profess Islam but truly act upon it. TO BE CONTINUED

Bismillah

It’s been a while I know, sorry about that. I am trying to start writing again, I haven’t done so in awhile. Also I am trying to read more, taking baby steps to become a scholar since no schools have been to my liking for Islamic studies. That’s fine though I will take it slow Insha’Allah and read as much as I can and study while of course doing other things like school and so forth.

I don’t think I told you yet but I am currently in school at American Intercontinental University online. It is so nice I like it. My current major is Business Administration Information Systems. I was planning to go on to get my bachelors in Computer Programming until recently… Recently I have decided to let my self do what I yearn to do. I yearn to write, but since eleventh grade I told myself I wouldn’t do it anymore. I felt that I could do so much more than just be a writer though that is what I want to do.

In fourth grade, I believe, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and I was fine with it. Had horrible grades and had a couple of special ed classes ( Math, and Reading) and didn’t do to well with some of my teachers. They would say I am not applying myself and am not trying. What did they know… It is one thing to not care, but another to care and try and want to do better but never pass that desire into reality. Every school year I told myself I would do better, ever year I wouldn’t. I thought I was dumb and what I did most and always was write. That was my place, my love, my contentment. It made me happy and I felt smart and creative.

In 10nth grade I began taking Adderal for my ADD the first medicine I have taken for it. I loved it and it changed my life. I got A’s and B’s and some C’s in school, I was smart and could concentrate on my work and do well. I read more and loved it. But I got addicted to the feeling of learning. And I did nothing but that; it changed me, my personality. Every time I took that pill in the morning I felt cold and different. But in some strange way I was happy, my creativity was dwindling away but my grades were rising. During eleventh grade I decided to stop writing all together, and only did it on occasion. But when I went back to my old note books and writings I felt so good reading them. But trying to write seemed so difficult after a while.

I met my husband here in Indianapolis when I moved here in the summer of my 12th grade year of High School from Philadelphia. We got married in February, the 3rd to be exact 2003 after I graduated from High school in ‘02′. We then moved to Chicago and lived there for a few months, I loved it there. I found out I was like 2 months pregnant in… I want to say May or something, and then we moved back to Indianapolis. Like I said I was 19 years old. Of course I couldn’t take my ADD medicine while I was pregnant, and I was so afraid that I wouldn’t able to function without it… Here I am now, 20 years old, with a husband a baby 7 months old ( on the 23 on August) and going to school…. Haven’t taken any medicine since I found out I was pregnant. Allahu’Akbar. Allah is so great!

Out of the four classes I have already taken in school I have only gotten one ‘B’ the rest are ‘A’s !. My current classes, International Business, and Contemporary Math are complete this Saturday and then we have a 2 week break. The first class I have an ‘A’ currently and the second (Math) I have a high ‘B’ (88). Insha’Allah I will pull the later up to an ‘A’ soon.

Anyway, talking with my husband a few weeks ago about Islam and writing put in me this inspiration to write again. My husband writes, and is a wonderful writer, he started the Muslim Writers Society www.writers.oneummah.net and encouraged me to send in some writings before we were married. It took me until after we were married awhile before posting anything. But I did and felt good about it. Tavis (My husband) said that I should do what my heart tells me to. I so want to write.

A little while later, maybe a few weeks, I was talking with my little brother who has been visiting me for the summer from Arizona. He inspired me to finish a book that I started writing a few years ago that I loved so much. I can’t find my past work on it now so I will have to start over but I really want to do this. Then that same day I was looking online for writing schools online, where I can get my Bachelors in Creative Writing. I found a school that is online that start with Associates and ends with Masters Degree’s in Creative Writing!

So what I want to do If Allah Wills it, is finished my Associates in Information systems now and then instead of going right into Computer Programming, do Creative Writing and be a writer. I love to write about Allah and Islam, If I get some Islamic Knowledge I can write about it. The spiritual essence of Islam, oh I can’t wait. Maybe if I decide to later on in life, I can go and do Computer Programming as well. Who knows, only Allah in His infantine wisdom and All Seeing since.

Insha’Allah Allah will make and my family and those followers of righteous guidance successful. Ya Allah save us from the torments of the fire and that of the graves, and inter us into Paradise, with gardens underneath which rivers flow…. Makes you just want to strive to do good when reading the words of Allah… Allahu’Akar!

I use to write so much when I was a child, a young person afraid of my life and my world. My feelings were all scrambled and left me with an emptiness that I thought nothing would fill. I needed Him and I didn’t even now it, it scares me how I can hold on to Him with my soul and yet lose gripe from time to time. That’s the way it works though, no one is perfect. That’s what makes the Prophet so wonderful, he was. Trying to follow him in every way possible makes you like him. Makes you understand Islam and Allah that much more because he did, reading the hadiths and the stories of his life captures me. I remember when I didn’t know much about our beloved Prophet and I couldn’t really say that I loved him. I mean I am the type of person that can’t love someone just because. Not really feel for them unless I can see something in them that touches my heart. My mother told me to read about him and maybe that will change, so I did. Eventually… But As I read through the books of hadith my purpose was not to research our Prophet to love him. I just wanted to read some hadith, but I fell in love with him. His kindness and compassion and his knowledge was amazing. I became saddened that he suffered so much and had such a burden on him. May Allah reward our Prophet and his progeny! Ameen

Bismillah ( In the name of God)

Drifting, I write in the name of Allah, o­ne who captures my soul and illuminates my heart. There is none like unto Him. What wonders do we tell our children of life and what fantasias can we bring them through hope of true love and understanding? As we grow older our mind changes and we can not understand the minds of children any longer. We fall victim to our fears and leave old marks of tears to stain our lives forever. Forgetting to live we dowel in our past, each night rewinding our night mares. Why can't we let the past go and learn to live our present while preparing for the future. We get stuck in our complaints and obsessions of wanting a better life and never do we make efforts to change it. We live while our soul cry out for comfort, but who can wash these memories away? Ar-Raheem the Most merciful, Most High…