Seven O’clock or so this morning, my preaches daughter awake from our bed ( from which she slid into in the middle of the night) vomiting all over my pillow and her self. Then she sat up and continued throwing up all over the sheet. Came out like a water fall, Subhanna’Allah it was something else. After she finished and we got her all cleaned up she just sat there and spoke only two words… “It’s cold” I picked her up,changed the sheets and cleaned the mattress. Laid her back down in our bed on a replacement pillow and put the blanket over her. Not long after that, Tahira began to cry and so I got up from laying with Zahra to tend to her. Tahira was down stairs, she fell asleep in her car seat and I did not care to move her. I picked her up and nursed her and here comes miss big walking down the stairs with only her pullup on. She squeezes between myself and the sofa arm and lays her head on my lap. She says ” Aww, it’s ok Tatira” and falls asleep. What a position it was, looked to me to be very uncomfortable. After situating myself with out waking up the now asleep two month old and the sick three year old. I found myself a tad bit comfy. I fell asleep with my neck cocked to the side holding Tahira up with one hand and feeling my leg numb of Zahra’s rather large although beautiful head. A few hours later Zahra woke up and walked away looking like a wandering dervish searching for a place of peace. She just kept repeating those same words… it’s cold. I stood up and laid the baby down in the seat. And scooped up my Zahra and took her onto the sofa. She got up again and wandered away. I went up stairs to lay down and she soon followed me. After a while we were all up stairs again including Tavis and Zahra came up to me and I layed her back in our bed. She fell asleep yet again.

We called the doctor and she said the stomach flew was going around and to bring her in. Tavis did so, but before they left Zahra threw up again. When they came back, I was told it was the virus and she couldn’t eat or drink anything. But in a half our to try crushed ice. By this time it was 2:00pm and Zahra threw up again at the doctor’s office. She was so hungry. And she was not afraid to ask for food. But there was no giving in to her pleas because she would not be able to hold it down. After a half hour we tried the crushed ice, but she didn’t see that as something good to eat. I tricked her into intaking some after a while but the plea’s for food wouldn’t stop. After an hour we gave her water and she was happy about that and enjoyed it. After about two hours I decided to try and give her a small piece of bread. Her eyes lite up, she was so happy and excited. But… after a bit and a swallow, it all came up. After cleaning it up, I removed the bread she was eating from the table. She was so upset about that. She was just so hungry, I could have cried. She begged and pleaded. “Please mommy please, I’m hungry can I have some bread mommy please mommy, some orange, please, some milk, please I’m hungry.” She screamed and screamed and I tried to explain but it wasn’t working. So I picked her up while she was kicking and screaming and held her close to me. We walked over to the sofa and I held her and put a blanket over us. I rocked and kissed as she pleaded for food. Just a little food, any kind of food. I told her I know. I know, and said a prayer as she fell asleep in my arms.

Poor thing, she had nothing left in her. I carried her back up into our bed and layed her down.. She looked at me as I was about to slid off the bed and said… It’s cold. I wrapped her up in the blanket and she drifted once again. She is still asleep and Insha’Allah she will sleep all of the virus out of her system.. Pray for her please.

Wa Salaam

She just woke up…….

The house is still yet again. Same time as before really, 11:30pm. They say you don’t realize the importance of someone until they are gone. You realize how much they actually meant to you, how much they touched you, what the sound of their name does to your soul and heart. The sound of your name from their lips, their voice. I don’t believe that though. Not with me anyway.

My grandmother and I were close. She had a stutter. A cute one. And was soo light skinned a person could mistake her for Caucasian. Tall woman with a long nick was my grandmother and a heart of gold she had. I didn’t really see her that much. I mean I was born in Sudan and we moved around a lot. We visited my family in Philadelphia as much as we could I guess. But you know how it is. I missed them. I didn’t call her as much as I should have either. But hey, I was a kid. And when I moved to Philadelphia I didn’t visit her as much as I should have but hey, I was a teen. LOL

What matters is that when I saw her, we were a pair. Tttttaubah she would say. Cute little way she said my name every time she said it. I heard it at the funeral, kept thinking about that cute little voice. I love my grandmother, to this day, and even while she was alive I knew how much she meant to me. So I don’t feel an emptiness for the time we didn’t share, or the words we didn’t speak, I feel complete for the moments we did share and the laughs that flowed from her light a summers breeze. She was the most loving person you could ever know. Talked about her family all the time. Even when she got Alzheimer’s and didn’t know me from Adam (a.s.) I could still make her laugh. And laughter made my day. Dried my tears, and healed my heart. She was my Grandmother, the mother of my mother, how could I not love her.

she died on that Monday morning, calm and sweet. We buried her on that Friday. People read this and that, my mother read the obituary, my uncle JT spoke from his heart and left every person in tears. My sister read a pro about the memories she will never forget, and me. I read a poem that I wrote to that dear dear woman.

It is like rain, you wash over me through
cloudy eyes.

I see you as the morning light
laughs on through my soul.

It is like whispers of small wonders
that captures each heart you left.

And no love can comfort these wounds,
as your smile lingers in my chest.

There is no light, besides that which
God has placed over your face.

No tear has embraced, the words,
no death can replace.

I see you, as my eyes wonder over
your memory.

I hear you and your voice gives peace
and true serenity.

There is no fear, as the Angels come
and sing you sweet lullabies.

There is no pain, as your Lord
cures your sorrowed eyes.

It is like love, the sounds of
it lift us through the sky.

It is like sleep, your peace has come
as my tears whisper good bye.

To my dearest grandmother
sunrise sunset
April 16,1920 July 10, 2006

TO BE CONTINUED

It’s not really that late, 11pm, but I am beat. The house is asleep and all the occupants as well… all but me. My back aches and my head feels heavy I’m just ready to fall out. Wanted to tell you what’s up first though.

Well, I’m going on 7 months pregnant Insha’Allah, Masha’Allah, Alhamdulillah and I don’t think I mentioned it before but, I’m having another girl Insha’Allah!!! I’m so happy about that.

I had to leave my husband and daughter for a week a couple weeks ago. That was a sad time in life for more than one reason. One: my grandmother was dying and that was the reason we had to leave. my mother called me one Sunday morning and told me that my grandmother was no longer connected to any machines and she was going down fast. My mother said she was going to Philadelphia that day to see her. So I, of course also wanted to go. My husband encouraged me to go, and he suggested I leave Zahra too. I was happy to hear that he would be fine with her for who knew how long we’d be gone. When my mother decides to do something, for the most part, she does it. And if you want to tag along, not too many questions please. That was fine, I understand my mom wanted to see her mom and didn’t know when she was going to return. Well, mom and her husband was driving, my younger brother was going and then me. My wonderful and understanding husband couldn’t fit and not Zahra. It was crowded in the back seat with just my brother and I. But the fact that I was leaving two of the most beloved people in my life for so long… made me very sad.

I don’t know if any of you have ever traveled from Indianapolis to Philadelphia by car before. It is a nice long drive. We made it in 12 to 13 hours I believe. Another reason my baby girl was best at home. She would have a fit in the car that long. I know.. I took her before when she was still in one of those back facing car seats… Again, it was to visit my sick grandmother. Now she is older and even more hyper than she was then…. it would not have worked.

We didn’t end up leaving Indianapolis until about 4pm. Didn’t get to Philadelphia until 6am or so. While I slept in the car on the way to our destination, my heart was aching so much for my Zahra. I couldn’t imagine how my little one was doing, if she was sleeping well. If she was crying for me. Tavis told me she was fine, that she was asking about me but not crying. That made me feel a little better. We stopped to pray Fajr when we got into Philadelphia. We prayed at this very beautiful Mosque I was in love with it. I missed my husband so much at that point. He would have loved it.

We got to the hospital around 7am I think. It was our first real stop. We didn’t go to any persons house, nor to get anything to eat. Though we had some soup at the Mosque Masha’Allah, wonderfully nice Muslims there, may Allah reward them. Anyway, I saw my Grandmother looking very… Allah knows the difficulty my heart endured to look upon her pained and tired face. She was in something of a coma. She was on Morphine for the last few days, her bodily functions were all shutting down and it was causing her great pain. So the morphine was to help that. She felt no pain according to the doctor, and she looked very much at peace. She didn’t know we were there, and she didn’t respond to any of us… She died about two hours or three after we got there… We are from Allah, and to Him we will return.

TO BE CONTINUED

So my daughter’s two years old, three in December Insha’Allah. Getting into trouble and testing her mommy and daddy. Of course this can be expected, she needs to test out the waters to see how deep she can go.

Because of this we have decided to teach her Islamic principles and values. She knows about Allah on some levels, she knows about the Prophet and Islam on some levels also. She says Laillahaillah on many occasions Alhamdulillah and prays beautiful with us during prayer at times.

But the deeper teachings of Islam is now being taught to her Alhamdulillah. The teachings of her Creator, Allah. The ethics and behavior of a Muslim. It’s rather exciting actually. I mean teaching her helps us to not take offense to her behavior. When remembering Allah when she is acting up makes all of us calm down. Insha’Allah it will continue to progress.

I told her today after she left timeout that she needs to practice good behavior. And not for her mommy and daddy, but because Allah loves good behavior. And even when her mommy and daddy are not around and can not see her, Allah sees her. And when she does good things and has good behavior Allah can reward her for it. And even her mommy and daddy can to, to some extent.

I told her that she should ask Allah for forgiveness when she practices bad behavior even now, as a little one, because it’s good practice for when she gets older. And then I told her what to say in English and she said it on the spot. And then I said it. And I told her that even daddy says it and her grandmom too.

I want to teach her a ’sufi’ understanding of Islam. To me, and my husband, it is important that she understand the inner meanings of Islam before the outer. At such an age or 2 she can understand Allah because she belives in Him and she loves Him. She is hungry for that knowledge and that guidance. It is our duty and obligation as her parents to teach her of it first and formost. So that when she is of age, and I tell her it is time for her to cover as a Muslima covers. And after she asks me ‘why?’ and I tell her because Allah has told us this is how to dress and we want to please Allah. She wont respond with a ’so?’ or she wont think ’so’.

I want to help her establish a personal relationship with Allah. Not based on my relationship with Him, nor her fathers relationship with Him, nor the relationship between her and her parents. But one solely between her and her Creator. As her parents, her father and I are only her teachers and we are to love her and guide her. After her time comes where she is on her own, we can only pray that what we have taught her will last forever…. or until she dies. She is only a lown to us… and one day we must give her back to her Creator.

I think that it is a bit interesting that many people confuse the action of acknowledging the birth of lovedones as ‘celebrating’ it. What makes acknowledging a day special to you an action of the disbelievers? OK, if I decide to drink and throw a party that is filled with unislamic actions and music then yes I can say that is the actions of the disbelievers. But if I kiss my husband and give him something he likes because I am happy he is alive another year and chooses to spend it with me. I can not see, nor can I believe with out seirouse and convincing evidence from the Imams of Ahlul Bayt, and the last and beloved prophet of Islam, that this is a practice that I should not be apart of.

I am not the type of person to do an act that is not allowed in Islam and claim it to be Islamic. Yet, I am also not the type to believe without evidence that an act is disliked. A person can misunderstand the words of the Prophet in a particular matter. One day he may come to a person who happends to be knowledgeable about that topic. This person may explain to the misguided brother the correct meaning of the words. By doing so he completely changes the understanding that person had on Islam. It happends, so before I change an act that does not in any way seem to be unIslamic, I would like to have the correct understanding of the words of that say so.

I mean, is the act of acknowledging a day of Birth disliked, or is it the way that one acknowledges a day of birth? The later makes more since to me. And therefore, you can not say my present to my husband is an act of the disbelievers because since when is giving presents only attributed to those who disbelieve in Allah and His religion?

Maybe this is a matter that must be further looked into.
And Allah knows best.capture

Bismillah

You know, I’m not much of a current events writer. For good reason, I don’t like current events. But these current, current events are simply makeing me buckle to my needs with agony. Subhanna’Allah, what is the world comming to? A question many of us ask…. But what is the answer?

I am thankful to Allah for making me Muslim. For I don’t see how a person who is not, can see the true meaning of Justice, the fact that as horrible this world may become, there will come a time when it will just as wonderful as it is now horrible. Without Allah, without belief in what is true.. How does one truly come to this type of conclusion?

To me, it goes against reason to say that Allah will simply let us suffer and then one day we all die and nothing will happen after that. What would be the point? What would be the point of anything if that were true. I can see how so many people are depressed and angry with the world. Do whatever they want without thinking twice about it…

It is sad to not believe ….

10:40 PM and I’m thinking, why is that my heart goes in and out of deep love. Love with who? Why is it that I breath and notice in me the deep understanding that makes Him alive in my soul but then I ‘willfully’ take it away. As if it was truly something I never wanted in the first place… This thing we call truth, why do we run from it? This thing we call love, why are we afraid of it? Why do we come so far to pursue what we feel is right… only to stop short and not complete our task. Only to fall to our feet when the finish line looks at us in disappointment.

Is it hard??? Praying, Fasting, Zakat, Hajj…. What makes us see the difficulty in all things? What makes our eyes see right through the beneficial to the unduly difficult. Shaytan? Oh he just whispers… we can only blame him but so much… What in ourselves hates the beauty we so desperately yearn for… What in our being is afraid of what we have the potential to be. Why do I fear to love Him? Why am I afraid to Submit to Him…

What is this thing called happiness? and why is it so relative… What makes us happy? Doing what we feel like? Not having to answer to anyone or anything? Not being tied down to laws, regulations, guidelines… even if every part of these guidelines are that which benefits us…

Why do we seek to help our bodies and not our souls? Why can we ignore our heart and not our stomachs? What makes one thing have more wait over the other….

It it our week hearts, and strong desires… It is our week ambitions and strong desires… It is our week self controll and strong desires…

If this is true, then what makes our desires that which is pleasing to Allah? What makes these wants of ours to be that which Allah wants us to want… The Prophet wanted that which was please to his Lord… Our desires… how strange they can be… One day you desire only Allah, the next you simply want to watch the foot ball game… desire to simply sleep through Fajr. One day you feel empty… the next oblivious to the soul you neglect….

Are our minds so powerful that we can ignore our aces and pains that are stronger that what we can see with our eyes, taste with our tongues, and smell with our noises? If this is so… We should prays Allah that much more, He gave us such strong minds, such determination, that we can ignore, to a point, in our ownselves the need to worship Him…. Then we try and make up reasons for our emptyness. Make steps to be more ‘creative’ be more self aware, or have higher self esteem. Though these things are good and may help us in some ways…. they are not the answers, they are steps to help something that is not hurt. Oh Allah…. What other proof is there that you are truly prevalent in our world… That you create, destroy, love, and aid us.

Make us of the believers, make our wants, and desires be pleasing to You so that we wont spend so much time trying to curve our desires, but rather spend all of our time indulging in them…. Indulging in the desire to pray to You oh Allah.. Indulging in the desire to help our neighbors, indulging in the desire to read Your words, study your books and submit to You and Your Will…. How life would be in our favor if we listend to our TRUE desires… It’s simply as easy as that…. Isn’t it though

Bismillah

This morning on Muslim Message there was a topic about being extreme on one side or the other. Extreme basicly on one side of Islamic law and extreme on the other side. The discussion got into Imam Al-Ghazali and how he differers from other scholar. The discussion also evolved around seeking knowledge and learning and theology. This is what I said in response;

Bismillah
Assalaamu’alaikum,

I believe the difference between Imam Al-Ghazali and many other scholars and deep thinkers, is his yearning for the truth and the way to seek closeness to Allah in what ever way available. True knowledge and true satisfaction. Imam Al-Ghazali traveled many places and studied many things but he was not satisfied until he reached the world of the Sufi. He went through and studied in depth the many other professions and theologies and was not satisfied with their outcome.

Many people are not like this, one may find that they travel from one scholar to the next simply trying to find a person to condone their actions and desires. Not to find what is Halal, there for many people end up not looking for answers at all and decide to go upon their own opinion.

This is when opinion is dangerous for opinion can never be taken as fiqh. If one person speaks to another on an issue that is not halal wal haram, and has not already been answered by one more knowlegable whether in the past or present time, then opinion may be accepted but not as fact but as speculation. Speculation until the time one can study the topic and after true deliberation, form a conclusion. But the mistake many people make is that instead of truly seeking the truth, whether it be from a living scholar, or from a book, they like to act without knowledge. They say that these scholars are not important and following them is blind. And yet choosing to follow themselves in an issue of fiqh seems very blind to me.

Seeking knowledge is the obligating of every Muslim man and woman. Seeking knowedge does not simply mean asking the person next to you if it is haram to wear high heals. But reading and attempting to understand Allah’s words and laws. In areas of fiqh there is no room for speculation and guess work, I for one have to find a scholar I trust and is knowledgable and able to guide me in a way that will not send me to hell fire. Why risk Paradise on lack of ambition, or laziness. There are so many other sins that can be committed knowingly to add that which you do not care to findout. Ignorance is not bless, especially when you are being judged on your actions. And yes intentions as well. Many may say ‘yeah but if I don’t know then I can’t be punished for it’ but if you do not know but use that excuse to not find out… yes you will be-and Allah knows best.

Assalaamu’alaikum,

Taubah

Bismillah

Just sitting here thinking, should be sleeping I know. Any moment now a baby may begin to cry, but I don’t really feel like closing my eyes and drifting. Though I am sleepy, I just do not choose to sleep.

Muslim… What does it mean, why is there such a word? What is the reason that Muslim is needed and that Muslim is so important? Who is Muslim? What is Muslim? Something that I don’t understand is, why do some Muslims feel as though Allah’s Laws do not apply to them? Is it the title of Islam that they ware because of the core belief? The belief of One God, the belief that our beloved prophet Muhammad is his last Messanger. Is that enough to believe, is that enough to hold on to inthis world and still expect and hope and pray to reach the splendor of Allah’s rewards and Glory? Or is this a thought that leaps upon their minds?

I can remember a time when I walked among, when I was one of them. Holding on to a tittle because it befitted me. I loved the words so dearly, I loved the idea so greatly and the manner inwhich it was formed and survived was intreging to me.. but the application of it,,, this was something others did. This was something I would do eventually but not just yet.

I was young, 16 and younger. Not until I was 17 or so and asked for Allah’s help did I see the mistakes that I kept in my heart as mistakes. Not the sins on my soul, not the actions of my limbs and intentions in my heart persay. But the idea that I can claim Islam as my religion, and declare that Allah is One and that Muhammad is His messenger, and be done with the duties of my deen. What ever was I thinking? Listen to the Word of Allah and ask Him for guidance, for without His guidance we are of a surety lost and misguided!!!

Bismillah

What is going on with some of our Muslim men? Seems that so many of them are going off the deep end with their wives and acting like strange wield animales. Not to say, of course, that all or even most Muslim men are like this, Alhamdulillah my husband is not, but 1 is too many. I’d like to know the reason for such behavior to Muslim women. Not only to their wives but to their children. Their own flesh and blood. Neglecting them, not wanting to take care of them financially (when they are separated or divorced from their wives) and not wanting to physically be apart of their lives. The popular response among some Muslim men is… I don’t have the money…

This I don’t understand, If your ex-wife is working hard and is rasing your baby or child, paying for daycare, food, clothes and shelter plus other extras for your child, why can’t you work hard to do the same. The big burden of raising the child and paying all financises is lifted from you yet, you still seem like you simply can’t break off any money for the support of your child or children.

To be continued…